Over Thinking

I am an over thinker. It's crazy because I am also an impulse thinker. There are things I don't ponder for long. Things that are rather significant, like getting married. Then there are things that I think and think and think about. I ponder for days. I change my mind over and over. I feel the first step is often the biggest step. I fear the first step so often. I fear because I do not know what lies beyond the first step. On the other hand, I can see what was behind me and it feels safe.
  Some people learn to swim by being pushed into the pool. Not me. For those who pushed me into the pool in my younger years, I still hold a bit of animosity. I prefer you to tell me what swimming is like, how to do it, maybe even show me. Then encourage me to take the first step, support me, reassure me, don't pull the rug out from under me.
  As I mature I am understanding mor the phrase, "It is hard to teach an old dog new tricks." My problem isn't the tricks, it's the fear. The fear of that first step into something new. I know it could be better than my wildest dreams but then I start over thinking again.
 So, I am loving the person that I am but working on the person that I want to be. The person that I want to be is going to stop writing what I want to do on the bucket list and start putting some check marks on things that I have done.

Thank you God for the birds that sing of your joy when we moan and groan,
Thank you God for your plans and taking it out of my hands,
Thank you God for sleeping dogs and melodic tones.
I am so sorry that I forget to say thank you,
I am so glad that you love me anyway.

God is working when I am piddling

This week has been a cleaning up bits and pieces, odds and ends, do something here and there, constantly moving but not really finishing anything big. My mother calls this piddling. She loves to piddle. In fact one of her favorite things about being retired is the free time to piddle. When I piddle I feel a guilt, like there is something bigger I should be completing.

Today, I was reminded that God is always working even when I think I am piddling.

This woman was looking for the bathroom in the church. After I showed her where that was I started a conversation with her. It turns out she is the daughter of a homebound member of my congregation. She shared some information with me and I with her...God's grace was working in that encounter, in that relationship, and in my piddling.

A wise clergywoman told me once, "Sarah there is an ebb and flow to ministry, just go with it, rest when you need to rest, go with the flow when it's flowing, but most of all don't worry, God is always working." Thank you God, for giving me a season to piddle and rest.

Today I wear a deep blue for Valentine's Day

Why is red the "official" color of Valentine's Day? Is it because we draw red hearts? Our actual hearts, the one's that pump blood, are not just red, there are veins of blue, muscles etc. Is that why we, as a society, collectively chose red as the "official" color for love? Valentine's day we celebrate love, not the heart as in the organ, but the metaphorical heart, the place of love. So today, to celebrate love I am wearing a deep blue. The reason is simple, the deep blue reminds me of my husband's eyes, and that is a better symbol for me of love than a red heart.

My husband's deep blue eyes that have been sad with me, the eyes that have held a tear for me, the eyes that have smiled with me, the eyes that dance with joy for me, that is where I see love.

Today, I do celebrate the love between me and my dear husband. I celebrate, appreciate, and remember by wearing deep blue. Now, can I please get a dozen blue roses? What, they don't exist? That's ok, roses aren't a great symbol of love either.

It is finished

Dear Blog Readers,

I am sorry it has been so long since I have blogged. I have finished an intensive writing process for full ordination. In other words, my brain has been filled with words for the last three months and I had plenty of white paper I had to put them on. Now, it is time to get back to my creative side.

The ads on tv tell me it's Christmas. The radio is playing Christmas carols. I have even bought the presents. But it doesn't feel like Christmas. So, what is Christmas supposed to feel like? I am a visual person, so the image that keeps coming to my mind is a bright light in the darkness. I mean a really bright light that penetrates the deep black darkness. But, the darkness is still there. The darkness does not go away. But the light makes the darkness more bearable. That is what Christmas looks like to me, but what does it feel like?

The signs at the mall say Christmas is supposed to feel like joy. But, to me Christmas feels more like fulfillment. A woman came into my life recently, she needed pastoral care through a crisis, death is a constant and ever present reality for her. She is not concerned about Christmas gifts, those useless objects you unwrap, don't bring the feeling of Christmas to someone dealing with death. To her, Christmas is the peace she gets from studying God's Word, hearing the Christmas story. When she reads the Christmas story, she sees the light in the darkness. So what does Christmas feel like to me? It is sitting with her. It is being present for her. It is listening to her. At Christmas we don't want to deal with death, we like to focus on the birth of Christ, but the shadow of the cross is always present. Christmas feels like loving someone, and that can be done every day.

Where do dragonflies go?

I took a minute to watch a dragonfly. I never noticed before that they can almost "fly still" where their wings are moving so fast but they are not actually moving forward. In fact, it seems like they are moving backward a little bit. I asked God if I do that? Do I work so hard and fast but actually stop moving forward? This particular dragonfly was hovering over my car, and I thought, well now that you have got yourself over here, what are you going to do? Sometimes I feel like that, I keep pushing, keep moving, thinking I am moving forward, but when I actually take a moment to look around I am not where I should be. One more question came to my mind as I watched this dragonfly dart and dash through the cars, Does he know he's a dragonfly? That is a label we humans have made to classify and identify him, but he doesn't know he is a dragonfly. I have felt weighed down at times in my life by labels me or others have put on me. Humans are the only ones who allow labels to define them. So my lesson from the dragonfly today... just be natural, take time to pause, don't worry about where I am going, just have fun where I am. But most of all don't worry about labels, I don't need to be classified or identified to belong.

Hour Glass

The raising of Lazarus points us all to the understanding of what eternal life means, as revealed by Jesus, in his dialogue with the bystanders, in his words to Martha....Open your Bibles to John 11:21-27 “Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that God will give you whatever you ask of him. Jesus said to her, “your brother will rise again.” Martha said to him, I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day. Jesus said to her, I am the resurrection and the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die, will live, and everyone who believes in me, will never die. Do you believe this? She said to him, “Yes, Lord, I believe that you are the Messiah the Son of God, the one coming into the world.”

These are the words we often read at funerals, because in his dialogue with Martha ...Jesus affirms the resurrection for Lazarus and for all by the power of God, through the Savior. Martha runs to get Mary, and Jesus repeats the message.

The resurrection is through me, life is through me, I am the Messiah.

Then the message is made available to all through the dramatic, emotional event, as the stone is rolled away from Lazarus tomb, and the glory of God is proved and emphasized through Jesus words, “Father, I thank you for having heard me, I knew that you always heard me, but I have said this for the sake of the crowd standing here, so they may believe that you have sent me. When he said this, he cried out with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” Folks it doesn’t get much more dramatic than this!

I want us to remember, Jesus brought Lazarus back to life, Jesus freed him from the bonds of death, Lazarus walked out of his tomb, but Jesus did not cure him from death. There was a day, many days later, when once again Lazarus was carried into his tomb. There was a day, many years later, when there would be another funeral, the mourners would gather, and the women would weep for Lazarus. But on this day, many years later, there was joy in the tears, Why? Because many years later, they remembered, these words, as their souls groaned, their hearts remembered....

“I am the resurrection and the life.”

So let us now talk about the second time Lazarus died. On this day, there was sadness and shock, grief and mourning, by family and friends. But, there was rejoicing too, for Lazarus went home, and on this day, Jesus was there too. That is what we believe, we believe that Jesus saves. We believe in eternal life. We believe in living in the eternal presence of our perfect and holy father.

The second time Lazarus died, I hope Martha had faith that Jesus was with her brother rejoicing in heaven at the same time he was with her and Mary mourning on earth.

We weep. We mourn. We miss their faces, their smiles. In this world, we will live with heartache, our hearts will be broken every time we have to say goodbye to someone we love.

We know their name,

but God knows the hairs on their head.

We know their laughter,

but God knows where the joy came from.

We know their love,

but God taught them to love.

So when a loved one dies, we mourn, we grieve for all that has left with them, but God welcomes with open arms, the same moment they leave ours embrace, they walk into his everlasting arms.

So when the sand in our our glass here runs out, God turns it over in heaven, and it never runs out again.

I feel often in the American culture we treat death as something to be avoided and feared. We spent enormous amounts of energy and money trying to stay young and stave off death. There is no cure for death, we will all die, so let us learn how to live, knowing that there is a purpose to our life. Let us not fear death, let us embrace life, and honor the memory of those who have died. Let us remember what they taught us, because those special people God brings to our lives teach us how to live and how to die.