Some advice for medical wives

I would like to share some wisdom I have gained over the last six months. This mostly speaks to the experience of medical wives but others can benefit as well. When the excitement of graduation and moving faded reality set it fast. Reality is a medical resident is never home. He or she will spend more hours at the hospital then there are hours in the day. A medical resident deals with several different supervisors (attendings) who may even change in the middle of a shift. Doctors also deal with life and death every day. Working in a hospital is a serious place, there is not such thing as casual Friday or let's go to lunch for so and so's birthday, there is no chit chatting around the water cooler. It is a high stress, high stakes, hard falls environment.

As a medical wife I had to get used to this reality. I had to get used to my husband being gone all the time. I had to get used to taking care of everything at the house as if I were a single person. I had to get over my resentfulness of the hospital and the patients that I felt were taking my husband. It is hard when you feel like you are not on the top of your husband's priority list. There were days when I did not see my husband for days, he get's home after I go to bed and leaves before I wake up, if he comes home at all. We had many minor squabbles for months. I resented having this beautiful new house to clean, do repairs on, pay bills on and never seem to get to enjoy. I resented having to remind my husband to call his mom, get a haircut, and sometimes even to get gas for his car.

Through all of these valleys my loneliness pushed me closer to my best friend, Jesus. Jesus helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Jesus helped me have new perspective. My husband was not choosing to be away from me, he was fulfilling God's call on his life. When my husband does come to the house it needs to be a safe place...home rather than a place where his nagging wife has a to-do list for him. Most importantly God has helped me see that I am a strong, confident woman who has her own life and a duty to fulfill her call too. So, I have a list of things I have learned over the first 6 months of being the wife of a doctor.

1. Surround your self with birds of a feather. Everyone thinks that being a doctor's wife is an easy life filled with library fundraisers, maids, and a large bank account. It is not. Find friend who understand that and you can spend time with. A great organizations is Side by Side, but if there is not one in your area, write down names and numbers at the orientation parties and get something together. You are not the only wife who is alone in a new place.

2. Live near the hospital. That house in the country may look pretty but not when you're driving home at 2:30am after a night in the ICU. Your husband will be driving at weird hours of the night with little to no sleep and lots on his mind. Also, when you go visit him on overnight call it will be closer for you as well.

3. Visit your husband where he is. I bring dinner (I make it or buy it) and bring a book and wait in the on call room until my husband is available. I may wait for several hours but 1) it shows him I care 2) I get to see him 3) he eats at least dinner 4) he gets something besides hospital food 5) I get to meet the doctors and nurses he works with and they see me as a real person. I have also been known to bring the staff cookies too. Seriously, make time to see your husband even if it means getting a babysitter for the night.

4) Pick a safe place to live and something you can handle. You will be home alone a lot. Pick a place you feel safe. Do not expect your husband to be able to mow the lawn or take out the trash. Make sure you pick a home you can manage. The last thing your husband wants or has a mind for when he comes home is a honey-do list.

5) Find new ways to communicate with your husband. Texting is great because it usually works in the hospital. Make sure you have your husband's pager number and do not give it out to friends and family members. Write notes and leave them in his pocket or write notes on the bathroom mirror with a dry erase marker. I also hide a blue stuffed bunny for him and he hides a pink one for me when we find it we call the other and tell where we found it and set it on the bed to be hid again. Sometimes it takes months for me to find my bunny but it always makes me smile. A good marriage is in the details, the tiny things you do for each other.

6) Make friends with your neighbors. Bake cookies for them (see my previous blog). Join a church and a Sunday School class. Start making friends as soon as residency begins. It takes a while to develop relationships. Don't skip church or a meeting with friends because your husband is home. Your husband wants some time alone at home too! Plus you need to maintain your life and your interests. People will understand if you can't make something once or twice but if you are always saying no than they'll stop inviting you.

7) Be ok with going solo. You will go solo a lot, to church, to the movies, to the grocery store. It is ok to go alone. Maintain a normal life and schedule and be extra happy when your husband gets to come along. Don't spend months looking for a church your husband will like. Find a church you love and your husband likes, a place where you can make friends and be comfortable alone. People will understand you husband can not come. Also, remember there are a lot of widows who love to have someone sick next to them at church.

8) Don't lose yourself. Make sure you have hobbies and things in life you are passionate about. Pursue your dreams, don't put them on hold for your husband's career. God has a plan for your life too. If you have children love them and take care of them but make sure your take time for yourself and your relationship with your husband. When dad comes home he should spend time with the kids but you get your alone time too. Don't use that alone time to get the bills paid and hang pictures. Use the time you have to reconnect and stay in love.

9) Love your husband. My husband would get home and if it wasn't time for bed he would literally veg out. Sometimes I felt ignored like I was just a housekeeper. I talked to him about it and that is where some of this advice has come from the reality of what works for us. Realize that he does not mean to only talk about diseases and procedures. It takes time to get that out of his head. Realize that he does love you (or he wouldn't have come home) but he is mentally and physically exhausted. Let him know you need to hear that he loves you.

10) Don't plan a surprise date night. He needs time to relax and decompress before he can shift from doctor to husband. Don't let him ignore and neglect your relationship either. Yes he has a demanding job and will for the next 50+ years, so work NOW on ways to redefine your marriage before your grow apart or have "irreconcilable differences." Find ways to share feelings when your not upset or angry. Don't be a drama queen every time you get to talk to your husband. The time you actually have together is precious so if you are angry about something write a note or send an e-mail. If it is not resolved that way find a time when you are calm and he is not exhausted to work it out.

These last few months I have had a lot of growing and changing pains. As I look behind me I feel grateful for all the obstacles I have overcome. Thanks to a loving God and my friendship with Jesus I am prospering in a new land. This year my motto is, bloom where you are planted. I finally feel like I am blooming, just as I watch the leaves from from the trees from the front porch of my brand new home. Leaves I guess I'll be raking.

Discouraged

So I have not blogged in a while because I feel like no one is reading this thing. No one except Lili who is the most wonderful, supportive real life and blogging friend. She comments no matter how big or small, she gives me the applause, the pat on the back, the "atta girl." Well, here is an attempt to get some response from you lazy bloggers... I watched Oprah today and she talked about the epidemic of rudeness. What is something that people do that you think is really rude? And have you ever done it yourself? I will post my answer after I receive 3 comments. I hope I am low balling.

Things you hear in school

Well, today was my first day back at school. I am spending a year as an Americorps Reading Tutor in an elementary school. Today I shadowed this awesome teacher. I already knew some of the huge difficulties teachers face but I saw some for real today. Like teachers have to buy their own paper for the copy machine (they get like 2 reams a month but photocopy homework every day for 17-20 kids!). Then I waited in line for 45 minutes to use the copy machine.
The teacher I shadowed today was a paragon of patience. She used her quiet voice and taught kids how to behave with her own actions. When she was frustrated she said, "Ok, I am sad and I am going to take a minute to calm down." She waited a minute or so and all the kids calmed down too, then she repeated her directions. One of the reasons I don't want to be a teacher is I have not mastered this patience yet (I am working on it). The teacher explained it to me later. She had read this book (I don't remember the title but can find out if you want it) about modeling behavior and responding to chaos rather than reacting to chaos. It made me think of Jesus' philosophy of teaching. He listened and cared for people whether it was one or a multitude. I mean people often came running to him in a panic telling him how so and so was sick or dying. The Bible doesn't say, "And Jesus was concerned, started barking out orders to his followers and ran to the scene, then yelled some special prayer and miraculously fixed the problem, then patted himself on the back." No most of the time Jesus was calm, soft-spoken or no spoken. Sometimes he just touched a person, some times he just listened. He always met the persons need in the situation.
Anyway, the opposite of this was one thing I did hear in school today when another teacher understandably lost her patience, "You know you are not supposed to do that! When we get back to the room you move your monkey down!" I covered my mouth so the children would not see me laughing. It reminded me of something I should have learned in Kindergarten: I should work every day to have the right attitude so my monkey, or smiley face, or whatever is up. So, where's your monkey today? If you have to move it down go spend some time with the Savior, he'll teach you how to keep it high!

Dawn and Dishes

I have experienced my first Hurricane. Now, to be fair it's tropical depression Hanna but it has caused me to reflect. I knew it was coming, the news has been telling us for days. High School football games were played one night earlier in anticipation. But as the clouds rolled in, the sky darkened, and the rain came pouring down, I felt like the weather, a tropical depression. I felt stuck in the house. My dog was going crazy. My husband is sick. There was no sunshine in my life. But I forced myself through this blue period by filling the time with house cleaning. This can be an endless task. So I felt bombarded with Mt. Washmore (laundry) and fed up with dishpan hands. I felt like there was no sunshine in my life, everything felt bland and dreary, like the weather outside.


Then I looked at the dish soap, "Dawn" and it dawned on me that I had forgotten about God today. I hadn't called him (pray), spent time with him (Bible study), or thanked him. So I began saying thank you, thank you for this house, thank you for the rain, thank you for a crazy dog as I washed the dishes. I would like to say the clouds broke and the sun came out, but it didn't. Slowly but surely I felt better, like putting on a clean shirt. I felt peace. Finally the rain stopped for a moment and I ran outside with my dog for a walk. But really it was a walk and talk with my Jesus. I sang praise songs with my ipod, felt the hurricane winds in my hair, and felt my blood moving around my body. I had a moment with the Holy Spirit. I realized the Spirit is always here waiting on me and I can worship during the most mundane tasks. I went back to finish the dishes thinking about this "Dawn" moment and just as my soap ran out I reached under the sink for another bottle and guess what I found "Joy."

Yes I bake cookies for my neighbor

I have recently been told this story is funny. Now that a few weeks have passed my embarassment and anger have subsided. So, I will share it with you in the hope that you can learn these lessons the easy way, reading it.
It all started on a Monday and Monday's are never good (except in the Fall with football). I rose out of bed happy because the beauty sleep had worked (yes, I'm being sarcastic, do you know me?). I dressed, brushed and flushed, not in that order. My adorable dog Betsy completed her morning yoga routine and so we girls were ready for our power walk. I got my cell phone and we started our walk and I dialed my mom. Mom and I talked as I walked and I shared with her that I had an appointment with my new boss at 2:30pm to sign the contracts, copy the Social Security card, and write my address, date of birth, and phone number on a couple hundred sheets of paper. It was 10:30am as I approached the front door, still talking to my mom, I said, "Uh, Mom, I have to go, I think I have locked myself out of the house."
Yes I felt stupid, but I convinced myself not to worry because a few weeks earlier my husband had locked us out of the house (it runs in the family). After the $80 we payed to have some guy use his Kroger card to open our door my DH bought a masterlock key keeper and attached it to a pipe in the crawl space of the house. So, I sat Betsy down and explained to her why we could not go into the house. She didn't take it well. She was thirsty and wanted to watch The View. So I set off for the side of the house and opened the crawl space door. HUGE Spiders scurried across the entrance to the dark abyss. A toad was sitting right inside the door, immediately visions of the Harry Potter Chamber of Secrets popped into my head. I began to sweat, the kind of sweat created by fear. Yes I was fearful of toads leaping on me in the dark and spiders crawling on me and three important questions came to my mind 1) Does that insulation have asbestos in it? 2) If I faint right here will anyone find me? 3) What is the code for the master lock? That last question turned out to be the one that would haunt me. As I paced in front of the dark abyss I stalled by calling my husband who was working in the CCU. I asked him what the code was for the lock. He gave me a short lecture on how I didn't listen when he told me a few weeks ago. I took the lecture because I needed to get into my house. I summoned all the courage I had and delved into the abyss (after throwing sticks, rocks, and the top of an outdoor ligh into the abyss to scare the toads away). I found the master lock and put the code in backward, forward, passing the zeros etc. I called my DH two more times and was assured that this was the correct code. After 40 minutes (some of that time includes the pacing) I emerged from the abyss dirty, sweaty, with pink asbestos insulation in my hair, and no key! Yes I felt like a moron.
So, I went across the street to the neighbors house. Here is where the title of this blog comes into play. A few weeks earlier I had brought my retired neighbor some home-made oatmeal cookies. I used the cookies to introduce myself and start a friendship. So, I went to my neighbor and asked for his Kroger card (remember all I have is a phone and a dog). He and I both tried the card and it didn't work. By now it is 12:00pm. I am hungry, tired and dirty. So I call information and am connected to a locksmith who will be to my aid in thirty minutes. I sit on the steps and look into my dogs eyes. I sense her disappointment in me for being so stupid and getting us in this predicament. Plus, because I'll have to pay a locksmith that means no bones this month. I do what any woman would do in this pathetic situation, call my best friend. No my BF could not unlock my door because she's in FL, but she told me I was not a moron, nor was I stupid and helped pull my self-esteem out of the gutter. If you are not a medical wife you might be thinking right now, "Why didn't your DH just bring you the key?" Well, as I mentioned above he was working in the CCU and although I felt like my situation was an emergency it didn't compare to people with heart failure one life support.
After my BFF cheered me up a bit I found an empty flower pot and filled it with water. Betsy was so excited she lapped a few drops up and then knocked the whole thing over on me. So now I was tired, dirty, hungry, and wet. But now is where it starts to get funny. Finally the "locksmiths" show up. They came in an unmarked car, had Russian accents, a few screw drivers and some lock picks. My imagination immediately led me to the idea that these guys were really ex-KGB agents laid off after the end of the Cold War. This idea proved to be true when after an hour they still were not in my house, they tried the Kroger card, they tried the screw drivers and lock pics, they tried the master lock box in the abyss, and some thing that looked like a blood pressure cuff. The leader of this dynamic duo looked at me and said in his heavily accented voice, "This is a high security door, I think we'll have to drill the door down." The ex-KGB agents were used to capitalism because they were going to charge me $130 plus I'd have to buy a new door (remember the last time it was$80 and a Kroger card). It was 1:30pm. I said NO! I asked them if they could give me a ride to the hospital which was 20 minutes away, their answer was "No we can't we're at work!" Now that I look back I thank God they said no because considering they weren't doing any good as locksmiths I wonder what their real work was.
Now, we're almost ending this story and if your still with me you won't believe this. I go back across to my cookie neighbor and asked him to drive me to the hospital. As we were leaving in his Ford truck the ex-KGB agents were chasing me down. Why? Because I did not pay. Why? Because all of my stuff was in the house. I asked them to leave me an invoice. They had no business card, invoice, no paper with any information. KGB story confirmed. Well my cookie neighbor and I outrun the Russians and he says to me "Do we have to go across any bridges?" I said, "I don't know" He said, "I have a phobia of bridges." Well folks I found out later not only is he afraid of bridges (we had to go across two), he also has not been downtown in 30 years, nor been away from his house for more than an hour in 17 years, and had not been to visit his wife last year in the very hospital I was asking him to take me to because of these phobias. All I can say is, I bake some GOOD cookies. We made it to the hospital, I was relieved that didn't have to check Cookie neighbor in, and I got the key and we got home. I was 30 minutes late for my appointment, so this whole ordeal took over 4 hours.
Epilogue: My husband arrived home late that evening and the first thing I said was "Go into the abyss and see if you can get the key out Fort Knox." He came out two minutes later and said, "Oh, I gave you the wrong code, sorry." Sorry! Yes, I bake cookies for my neighbor, but NO cookies for my husband for a very long time if you catch my drift.
Lessons I hope you learned: 1) hide a key yourself 2) bake cookies for your neighbors 3) always have your BFF on speed dial 4) Remember you are stronger than you know.

Are you a Christian?

I watched the Saddle Back church discussion with McCain and Obama. One of the questions was basically, What makes you a Christian? They gave the normal Bible based answers and didn't seem genuine. I wanted the candidates to go farther out on the limb and speak from the heart (wishful thinking). This made me think of what my answer would be. The moments we have to share our faith with others usually happen quickly and in unexpected times. So I am going to practice, what do you think about this?
I am a Christian because I know Jesus is my Savior. I try to live the best life I can following the teachings of Jesus but I know I am not perfect. When I confess my sins I feel forgiven. I am not special because I am a Christian, I am special because God loves me. I feel this love in my life and it makes me want to respond by doing more than is required or expected of me in loving and serving my fellow human beings. I live in the same world you do and I struggle every day but my faith helps me direct my life in a positive direction. My faith helps me define my reason for being in this world, my purpose. Reading the Bible, personal prayer and attending corporate worship services help keep me renewed and refreshed. I have daily conversations with God through the Holy Spirit and through that I have built a strong relationship with my Savior and Creator.
So, what do you think? What would you say if you were stuck in an elevator with a person and they asked you if you are a Christian?

Grace like rain

I just finished reading an awesome book, "The Rope Walk" by Carrie Brown. The story is about a young girl, Alice, and the moment in childhood when we still want to wander in the woods and build forts but we also begin to understand that we can't build walls to protect us from the storms of life. It reminded me that what we need to do is open our umbrellas but learn to embrace the rain. Side note-Listen to the song by Todd Agnew, Grace like Rain. Last week, God gave me the gift of reminding me about my own umbrellas while I was a volunteer for an awesome Bible School Day Camp for 3,4, and 5th graders. These children were the age of young Alice in the book. Maybe it was because Carrie Brown had helped me step back in time to be ten again, but I have a new perspective on all the difficult problems in our world.

I learned, with the campers, how 1 in 6 people in the world don't have access to fresh water. We didn't just hear about it, we each took 1 gallon of water home and used it for all our water needs for 24 hours. I learned how a lady in Richmond visited a homeless friend who was proud to have an apartment for the first time. The lady walked through the door into a completely empty room and she did something about it. She started an organization which hosts house warmings for people who are trying to make a home, they call them blessing showers. We made hashbrown casseroles for the homeless. I helped three girls pour sour cream, slice butter, and stir love into this casserole. The next day we took the kids to serve lunch to the homeless. The children visited the elderly. The children raised enough money to buy 18 mosquito nets to protect people from malaria. Each day the kids learned different ways to pray, singing, journaling, intercessory and breath prayers.

Before we started all of these lessons, I was skeptical if the kids would really be able to understand all of these deep lessons. I was worried about whether we should bring the sad problems of the world into the minds of these innocent children. God showed me that I didn't bring the problems to their mind but rather the solutions. I learned that experience, empathy and prayer is the best tool we can give to kids to help them through the storms of life. We shouldn't teach children to build walls to protect us from life's storms, but rather we should give them umbrellas and tell them to listen for God in the raindrops. God reminded me of my own umbrella (see the picture).