Some advice for medical wives

I would like to share some wisdom I have gained over the last six months. This mostly speaks to the experience of medical wives but others can benefit as well. When the excitement of graduation and moving faded reality set it fast. Reality is a medical resident is never home. He or she will spend more hours at the hospital then there are hours in the day. A medical resident deals with several different supervisors (attendings) who may even change in the middle of a shift. Doctors also deal with life and death every day. Working in a hospital is a serious place, there is not such thing as casual Friday or let's go to lunch for so and so's birthday, there is no chit chatting around the water cooler. It is a high stress, high stakes, hard falls environment.

As a medical wife I had to get used to this reality. I had to get used to my husband being gone all the time. I had to get used to taking care of everything at the house as if I were a single person. I had to get over my resentfulness of the hospital and the patients that I felt were taking my husband. It is hard when you feel like you are not on the top of your husband's priority list. There were days when I did not see my husband for days, he get's home after I go to bed and leaves before I wake up, if he comes home at all. We had many minor squabbles for months. I resented having this beautiful new house to clean, do repairs on, pay bills on and never seem to get to enjoy. I resented having to remind my husband to call his mom, get a haircut, and sometimes even to get gas for his car.

Through all of these valleys my loneliness pushed me closer to my best friend, Jesus. Jesus helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Jesus helped me have new perspective. My husband was not choosing to be away from me, he was fulfilling God's call on his life. When my husband does come to the house it needs to be a safe place...home rather than a place where his nagging wife has a to-do list for him. Most importantly God has helped me see that I am a strong, confident woman who has her own life and a duty to fulfill her call too. So, I have a list of things I have learned over the first 6 months of being the wife of a doctor.

1. Surround your self with birds of a feather. Everyone thinks that being a doctor's wife is an easy life filled with library fundraisers, maids, and a large bank account. It is not. Find friend who understand that and you can spend time with. A great organizations is Side by Side, but if there is not one in your area, write down names and numbers at the orientation parties and get something together. You are not the only wife who is alone in a new place.

2. Live near the hospital. That house in the country may look pretty but not when you're driving home at 2:30am after a night in the ICU. Your husband will be driving at weird hours of the night with little to no sleep and lots on his mind. Also, when you go visit him on overnight call it will be closer for you as well.

3. Visit your husband where he is. I bring dinner (I make it or buy it) and bring a book and wait in the on call room until my husband is available. I may wait for several hours but 1) it shows him I care 2) I get to see him 3) he eats at least dinner 4) he gets something besides hospital food 5) I get to meet the doctors and nurses he works with and they see me as a real person. I have also been known to bring the staff cookies too. Seriously, make time to see your husband even if it means getting a babysitter for the night.

4) Pick a safe place to live and something you can handle. You will be home alone a lot. Pick a place you feel safe. Do not expect your husband to be able to mow the lawn or take out the trash. Make sure you pick a home you can manage. The last thing your husband wants or has a mind for when he comes home is a honey-do list.

5) Find new ways to communicate with your husband. Texting is great because it usually works in the hospital. Make sure you have your husband's pager number and do not give it out to friends and family members. Write notes and leave them in his pocket or write notes on the bathroom mirror with a dry erase marker. I also hide a blue stuffed bunny for him and he hides a pink one for me when we find it we call the other and tell where we found it and set it on the bed to be hid again. Sometimes it takes months for me to find my bunny but it always makes me smile. A good marriage is in the details, the tiny things you do for each other.

6) Make friends with your neighbors. Bake cookies for them (see my previous blog). Join a church and a Sunday School class. Start making friends as soon as residency begins. It takes a while to develop relationships. Don't skip church or a meeting with friends because your husband is home. Your husband wants some time alone at home too! Plus you need to maintain your life and your interests. People will understand if you can't make something once or twice but if you are always saying no than they'll stop inviting you.

7) Be ok with going solo. You will go solo a lot, to church, to the movies, to the grocery store. It is ok to go alone. Maintain a normal life and schedule and be extra happy when your husband gets to come along. Don't spend months looking for a church your husband will like. Find a church you love and your husband likes, a place where you can make friends and be comfortable alone. People will understand you husband can not come. Also, remember there are a lot of widows who love to have someone sick next to them at church.

8) Don't lose yourself. Make sure you have hobbies and things in life you are passionate about. Pursue your dreams, don't put them on hold for your husband's career. God has a plan for your life too. If you have children love them and take care of them but make sure your take time for yourself and your relationship with your husband. When dad comes home he should spend time with the kids but you get your alone time too. Don't use that alone time to get the bills paid and hang pictures. Use the time you have to reconnect and stay in love.

9) Love your husband. My husband would get home and if it wasn't time for bed he would literally veg out. Sometimes I felt ignored like I was just a housekeeper. I talked to him about it and that is where some of this advice has come from the reality of what works for us. Realize that he does not mean to only talk about diseases and procedures. It takes time to get that out of his head. Realize that he does love you (or he wouldn't have come home) but he is mentally and physically exhausted. Let him know you need to hear that he loves you.

10) Don't plan a surprise date night. He needs time to relax and decompress before he can shift from doctor to husband. Don't let him ignore and neglect your relationship either. Yes he has a demanding job and will for the next 50+ years, so work NOW on ways to redefine your marriage before your grow apart or have "irreconcilable differences." Find ways to share feelings when your not upset or angry. Don't be a drama queen every time you get to talk to your husband. The time you actually have together is precious so if you are angry about something write a note or send an e-mail. If it is not resolved that way find a time when you are calm and he is not exhausted to work it out.

These last few months I have had a lot of growing and changing pains. As I look behind me I feel grateful for all the obstacles I have overcome. Thanks to a loving God and my friendship with Jesus I am prospering in a new land. This year my motto is, bloom where you are planted. I finally feel like I am blooming, just as I watch the leaves from from the trees from the front porch of my brand new home. Leaves I guess I'll be raking.